Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
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I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.