Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
That 👊
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.