“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick