“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
tinder is all about the long game
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Do not levitate over flowers
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?