FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Aw man, but that’s the best part
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?