Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.