Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!