going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Haha! 😂
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Brilliant!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
spot the difference
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
🙁
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.