how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness