I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.