If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?