Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
You Might Also Like
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”