Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
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Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I wanna be friends with this person
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
<- sleeps well with others
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.