ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
*puts cutlery down*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother