1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
can’t bark with your mouth full