You Might Also Like
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
We’re all getting idioter.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed