[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.