Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.