Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
All my small talk is done with a car horn.