If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
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Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️