the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
You Might Also Like
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.