I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard