3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The Others (2001)
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Reporter: *ports again*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty