They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
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Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
translated into Canadian
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?