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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of