If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Go hard or stay average
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
back to work
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
how much for the angry fruit?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.