Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff