I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
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just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits