Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.