[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.