6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?