Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”