If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.