I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Cats (2019)
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food