“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together