you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
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Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Optional boss fight.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.