Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
You Might Also Like
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?