When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
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When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.