Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Ron is short for Aaronald
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.