Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
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If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.