I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
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Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere