One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
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Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”