So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.