My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.