My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup