SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today