You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
You Might Also Like
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?