“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
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ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
hmm conte-me mais
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription