To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
You Might Also Like
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
More like Kate Missington.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I falcon love using swear birds
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
fired
s
oc
i
a
l
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery