My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
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Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy